God right now

I find that God changes for me depending on my life circumstances.  What I am reading, what I am experiencing, the people whom I am encountering, the surroundings enveloping me...all inform my understanding of who God is.  All Ican offer is a snapshot, a flicker, of how God stirs within me at any given current moment.  The fragments I grasp sometimes carry me through many months or years and other times require quick and frequent revision.  I will keep thinking, keep striving, and keep reimagining, and may the pieces fall where they may.

Who is God right now?

God is in glimpses, in a patient’s tears when speaking about her lost leg and new life, in an elderly man’s chuckle when he recalls the dog he cannot wait to see when he returns home, in the beige-colored CPE office where the interns unpack the merits and drawbacks of VADs.  I do not think that God heals everything or that God wills pain or evil or that God is all powerful.  But God does let us be.  My God does not meet us with predictable outcomes or offer us many answers—and, when we do think that we finally have our answers, we find our world in upheaval again.
What is the benefit of this God, you ask?  I suppose there is not one, really.  I am not sure that God exists to make us well or to whole or to “fix” our problems.  God is not medicine.  God is movement, energy, dynamism, strength, compassion, commitment, bondedness, encouragement, rage, turbulence…hope in the midst of chaos, and chaos in the midst of hope.  I hold onto a God who works through creation, who enlivens it, who pulls us towards relationship, who lures us towards the Totally Other who is totally near.  A God who paradoxically is so far outside of us yet closer to us than anything else we know.  Our deepest, most profound comfort and our greatest upset.